How to navigate complex family dynamics at Christmas
ACCORDING TO DR PAUL HOKEMEYER, AUTHOR OF FRAGILE POWER: WHY HAVING EVERYTHING IS NEVER ENOUGH
For more than a decade, Dr Paul Hokemeyer, a fellow of the Global Leaders in Healthcare programme at Harvard Medical School, has advised influential individuals, helping them navigate the complex emotional challenges that accompany their position. With a unique blend of legal, psychological and clinical expertise, he is uniquely placed to offer insight into how the holidays can become a minefield – as well as an opportunity for connection.
IN YOUR EXPERIENCE, WHAT ARE THE TYPICAL STRESS SPOTS THAT ARISE AT CHRISTMAS?
The pressure to have a flawless festive season often fuels heightened anxiety and low mood. Patients who have maintained sobriety may relapse, while those with eating or compulsive-spending disorders can slip back into destructive patterns. The holidays amplify emotion and old family dynamics tend to resurface.
WHAT WOULD YOU ADVISE CLIENTS TO DO BEFORE THE HOLIDAY BEGINS?
The best gift you can give yourself and those you love is to change the way you react and how much time you allow yourself to be exposed to family toxicity. I always advise my patients who know they are going into a firestorm to have a firm exit plan in place and to share it with supportive family and friends.
HOW DO YOU RECOMMEND SETTING BOUNDARIES IN WAYS THAT PRESERVE HARMONY BUT ALSO PROTECT INDIVIDUAL WELL-BEING?
To work, boundaries must be clear, consistent and enforceable. For example: “I’ll come for Christmas, but I’m staying at a hotel nearby.” When challenged, there’s no need to justify. Simply offer warmth — a hug, a kind word — and trust they value you enough to honour your choice.
DURING A GATHERING, TENSIONS MAY RISE UNEXPECTEDLY. WHAT IN-THE-MOMENT INTERVENTION TECHNIQUES HAVE YOU SEEN WORK WELL?
Counting from 1–20 before responding is surprisingly powerful. Because numbers draw on logic, they steady the nervous system and allow you to re-enter the conversation with dignity. Stepping outside also helps to alter the relational dynamics of the space by changing your physical and emotional perspective to it.
ARE THERE ANY RELATIONAL PRACTICES OR GAMES YOU RECOMMEND TO HELP FAMILIES CONNECT AT CHRISTMAS?
I’m a big fan of emphasising family values during the holiday season: gratitude, humility and generosity of spirit. One family I work with creates a gratitude tree. Each member writes down three things they’re
grateful got on paper tags and attaches them to the branches.
WHAT PRACTICES DO YOU ENCOURAGE TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO MEET THE NEW YEAR FROM A PLACE OF FULLNESS?
I ask all of my patients and clients come up with a one and five-year plan where they articulate in writing five goals in the personal, professional, spiritual, relational and physical areas of their lives. These can be straightforward plans or one word to describe each goal. The key is to think about what you want to manifest in the future and write it down so it becomes intentional.
